Monday, May 13, 2013

I Can Hear You Fucking: and other thoughts on roommates.

 Dude, everybody likes to get fucked. I dont really need to hear you gettin tore up for for like 2 hours saying things like:

"i just wanna be a perfect slut for you"
"yeah?" (100X)
"fuck me  hard in my ass"
"you want me to spit out your cum?" (duh, nobody wants you to spit)

   Im not even sure I have a problem hearing this shit. Do I make fun of her later or wait till I just cant constantly hear sex anymore to snap and tell her to shut the hell up. Maybe i should take up Tv watching? I cant lsiten to music anymore because i can still hear it and it ruins the song.

   Im in full support of people having a good time as long as nobody gets hurt. This doesnt really bother me in concept but I guess having it be it be SO loud and go on for such an extended period of time forces me to focus on it. I dont want somebody else's sex in my head all day. She lives here and has a right to get fucked the way she wants to. This being the worse thing i can bitch about about her living here i think shes a great roommate.

Actually  after thinking/writing that... get split girl. More power to you. You earned it.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Some Words Of Anger For My Mother.

       I hate you.
I resent you. I resent you for bringing me into this world at a young age, out of wedlock, with a young man who was the rebound from your first marriage. I hate you for giving birth and raising me away from my family. Away from a loving support network of people im heart broken and home sick for all the time.

     I hate you because you are so hateful and resentful towards me for your own personal mistakes.
Yet you want me to take responsibility for who i am and why i am so regressed, when who i am at this moment is a direct reflection on you and what you will allow me to become.
 I hate you for always being SO deeply put upon to be a fucking mother. I wish so much that you would have had an abortion. None of us would have to go through this. You get to shame me for existing. You make me your slave. You are emotionally and sometimes physically abusive.

     I hate you for allowing the life i lead until my "adulthood" to be so full of pain and chaos.
I hate you for not understanding that YOU are the most direct cause of me having PTSD. I can never feel safe.
I hate you because you gas light me. That all i have in life to validate myself on are the hard things i been through, and you tell people i am "crazy" and i am "delusional" and i "live in a fantasy world".
These are the actions of a child and you do it shamelessly with zero understanding of the concept that i am a person. I have feelings.

I hate you because you openly think of me as a possession.
I hate you because i am 26 and i dont know how to tie my shoes.
I dont need to learn that anymore ive found many ways around it and now its a weird thing about me but i resent you so much for letting it be that way.
I hate you because i didnt learn to read until i was in 4th grade.
I hate you because my sisters dont know what thats like but i have to.
I hate you because your ex boyfriend killed my dog.
I hate you because your ex boyfriend watched me in the shower
I hate you because you robbed me of a childhood.
I hate you because you make fun of me, the person you built me to be.

I hate you because i dont know how to have fun without abusing substances.
I hate you because i am the only person trying to develop myself into a fully assembled human being, i am the only person trying to validate me.
I hate you because you are my number one road block to success.
I hate you for being codependent on me. I am your slave. Sometimes i dont get to leave the house for days.
I hate you because you are never sober.
I hate you for all the instability.

    Im sorry that you sometimes dont like my dry tone of voice. Forgive me for not being so fucking cheerful around you.
I hate you because i am the adult and you are the child.
I hate you because i have surpassed you in so many areas.
I hate you because you are never ever sober.
I hate you because we only talk about you, never me unless its about money.
I hate you because you never stuck up for me.

   I hate you for always trying to get me on government assistance. Why? So you can take all that money too? That would be perfect for you wouldnt it? A free check in the mail that i dont have to leave the house to get and better yet could even sign over to you because of some imaginary money problem we have because all you do is smoke drink and party with zero productivity.
You never invest in me. You shit all over any dream or goal i have.
I hate you because this is a trap by your design but you get to put it all on me.
I hate you because you are manipulative.

   I hate you for making the choice to have a baby. For not caring at all for that child emotionally. Using that child to care for your other bastard children that you also shouldnt have had. For allowing the children I raised for you to judge me and bully me and treat me like shit.

I hate you because as lacking as my father is in the same way i am that he is always supportive of me, and listens to me and inspires me to become a person. To be valid on my own marritts, the person i am and for just existing. I can never get that from you.
I hate you because you still talk shit about my father.

I did come from him you know, and so did my sisters you favor. It was 27 years ago move the fuck on already.

I hate you because i love you, and I wish you to loved me too.