Monday, May 13, 2013

I Can Hear You Fucking: and other thoughts on roommates.

 Dude, everybody likes to get fucked. I dont really need to hear you gettin tore up for for like 2 hours saying things like:

"i just wanna be a perfect slut for you"
"yeah?" (100X)
"fuck me  hard in my ass"
"you want me to spit out your cum?" (duh, nobody wants you to spit)

   Im not even sure I have a problem hearing this shit. Do I make fun of her later or wait till I just cant constantly hear sex anymore to snap and tell her to shut the hell up. Maybe i should take up Tv watching? I cant lsiten to music anymore because i can still hear it and it ruins the song.

   Im in full support of people having a good time as long as nobody gets hurt. This doesnt really bother me in concept but I guess having it be it be SO loud and go on for such an extended period of time forces me to focus on it. I dont want somebody else's sex in my head all day. She lives here and has a right to get fucked the way she wants to. This being the worse thing i can bitch about about her living here i think shes a great roommate.

Actually  after thinking/writing that... get split girl. More power to you. You earned it.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Some Words Of Anger For My Mother.

       I hate you.
I resent you. I resent you for bringing me into this world at a young age, out of wedlock, with a young man who was the rebound from your first marriage. I hate you for giving birth and raising me away from my family. Away from a loving support network of people im heart broken and home sick for all the time.

     I hate you because you are so hateful and resentful towards me for your own personal mistakes.
Yet you want me to take responsibility for who i am and why i am so regressed, when who i am at this moment is a direct reflection on you and what you will allow me to become.
 I hate you for always being SO deeply put upon to be a fucking mother. I wish so much that you would have had an abortion. None of us would have to go through this. You get to shame me for existing. You make me your slave. You are emotionally and sometimes physically abusive.

     I hate you for allowing the life i lead until my "adulthood" to be so full of pain and chaos.
I hate you for not understanding that YOU are the most direct cause of me having PTSD. I can never feel safe.
I hate you because you gas light me. That all i have in life to validate myself on are the hard things i been through, and you tell people i am "crazy" and i am "delusional" and i "live in a fantasy world".
These are the actions of a child and you do it shamelessly with zero understanding of the concept that i am a person. I have feelings.

I hate you because you openly think of me as a possession.
I hate you because i am 26 and i dont know how to tie my shoes.
I dont need to learn that anymore ive found many ways around it and now its a weird thing about me but i resent you so much for letting it be that way.
I hate you because i didnt learn to read until i was in 4th grade.
I hate you because my sisters dont know what thats like but i have to.
I hate you because your ex boyfriend killed my dog.
I hate you because your ex boyfriend watched me in the shower
I hate you because you robbed me of a childhood.
I hate you because you make fun of me, the person you built me to be.

I hate you because i dont know how to have fun without abusing substances.
I hate you because i am the only person trying to develop myself into a fully assembled human being, i am the only person trying to validate me.
I hate you because you are my number one road block to success.
I hate you for being codependent on me. I am your slave. Sometimes i dont get to leave the house for days.
I hate you because you are never sober.
I hate you for all the instability.

    Im sorry that you sometimes dont like my dry tone of voice. Forgive me for not being so fucking cheerful around you.
I hate you because i am the adult and you are the child.
I hate you because i have surpassed you in so many areas.
I hate you because you are never ever sober.
I hate you because we only talk about you, never me unless its about money.
I hate you because you never stuck up for me.

   I hate you for always trying to get me on government assistance. Why? So you can take all that money too? That would be perfect for you wouldnt it? A free check in the mail that i dont have to leave the house to get and better yet could even sign over to you because of some imaginary money problem we have because all you do is smoke drink and party with zero productivity.
You never invest in me. You shit all over any dream or goal i have.
I hate you because this is a trap by your design but you get to put it all on me.
I hate you because you are manipulative.

   I hate you for making the choice to have a baby. For not caring at all for that child emotionally. Using that child to care for your other bastard children that you also shouldnt have had. For allowing the children I raised for you to judge me and bully me and treat me like shit.

I hate you because as lacking as my father is in the same way i am that he is always supportive of me, and listens to me and inspires me to become a person. To be valid on my own marritts, the person i am and for just existing. I can never get that from you.
I hate you because you still talk shit about my father.

I did come from him you know, and so did my sisters you favor. It was 27 years ago move the fuck on already.

I hate you because i love you, and I wish you to loved me too.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Lime crime my beautiful rocket

Hey guys, I wanted to toss out a review on lime crime's opaque orange lipstick "my beautiful rocket"....
Im just "ok" with this lip stick. I wanted it to be brighter and feel like this lipstick doesnt pop as much as other swatches Ive seen. To me it looks a lot more like the "cosmopop" swatch. I think cosmopop is pretty but maybe to light for me, and  I was in the market for a bright true orange color. This one falls flat for me.

- It was light enough that I cant even really call it opaque because you could see my natural lip color through it unless i layered on an inappropriate amount of color. I had to put foundation on my mouth to get it to show up a similar color to the one in the tube.

- The texture is light and creamy, it doesnt feel waxy or greasy. 

- Application can sometimes be uneven and collects in creases like bad eye shadow without a primer or foundation in a wrinkle.

- I havent experienced any feathering with this brand of lipstick yet but if you rub your mouth on anything, like most lipsticks,  it will leave streaks on your skin.

- Lime Crime lipsticks come in super cute packaging

   Having said all that i like the color just OK.  Im not super hyped about it, but im not pissed that i bought it either. I would buy this again, just not this color. This color is maybe for somebody else.

Here are some photos of My Beautiful Rocket by Lime Crime  in different lighting.
kthnxbai! :]

Monday, February 4, 2013

On the super bowl commercials.

         First off I would like to say on a less bitchy note... that Budweiser clydesdale commercial did not tug at my heart strings,  and I cant really understand why everybody thought it was so great. For me it was all about the tide commercial where the husbands (49ers) jersey stain is was washed by his wife (ravens fan).

         Anyway on to the real nitty gritty.  I want to address all this uproar around how offensive the calvin klein and go daddy adds were.

        Regarding the go daddy commercial.... smmfgdh. I personally dont think its a huge deal, I dont even really care that the stereotypical dorky i.t.  was "gross".  Realistically you would never be as close to anybodys face as that camera was if you happen to catch a PDA in action. What turned me off the most is all those mouth noises! Have you ever sat near somebody (usually men) eating a banana or yogurt? Sometimes you can hear people chewing these things, and i dont mean just the gross swishes around in their mouths I means you can hear teeth smacking contact as if a banana needs that much force to break down, or yogurt even.... but that shit is gross. Hands down I dont need to hear it. I damn sure dont wanna hear 2 people slobberin all over each others face chunk meat.

           As  for the calvin klein commercial... this is a beautifully sculpted mother fucker who has worked very hard on his body and now can be paid for it. Yes hes totally hot but so is the chick in that other commercial (i guess) and so is beyonce and pretty much every other woman you see on tv all day. This guy IS very attractive. Im not going to be dreaming about him all night and it doesnt turn my head away from the guy who is the current object of my affection, who happens to be a regular guy who i happen to think is hot as all get out. Is it not the same for guys? A momentary appreciation and then back to reality?

        What i dont understand is this huge flood in twitter of men just so up in arms about this commercial. Actually this morning its more humorous. Two that caught my attention were something to the effect of "just put on my new calvin klein underwear now im going to be dragging women around clinging to my legs" and "put on some of those calvin klien underwear and i definitely didnt turn into an underwear model".  Humor is both sexy and refreshing, sometimes admirable in fact.
The huge turn off for me is all these men who are calling it hypocritical for women to "have" this commercial and be upset about the go daddy commercial.

        Ummm....... last time i checked i didnt have a jar anywhere in my room full of commercials that somebody gave me, and im pretty sure none of you guys were gifted commercials either. I dont understand how men "have" all these commercials... and so much more. Women all over the place. Understand that if you take a woman to the movies you will probably see a pair of tits and she doesnt usually get anything. How do you think that feels to her if she even cares at all? Maybe it makes her jealous  that she doesnt have any dicks or man asses and you have tits... or maybe  she feels just as insecure as you when you didnt know how to handle the one super buff almost naked dude. Grow the fuck up.  Its ok for everybody or its not of for anybody. If  you are that upset about it then go buy a set of weights and be happy with yourself instead of being about how disgusting he is, because he is in fact a god and you are a whiny insecure little bitch. Change it or shut the fuck up and enjoy who you are.

More over why do any of you give a shit? It was 30 seconds of your life, it was a commercial.
Most of you dont even watch commercials ever except on this day.
To everybody who is having a hard time dealing with these 2 ads please turn off your tv and hang your head in shame, because clearly are not adult enough to handle tv and need to go regroup and collect your emotional shit.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Sexy ass self empowerment.

[enjoy this shitty photo of me being vain in my sisters room....please excuse the blue shoes]
This entry requires originates from a little bit of my own personal background info from 2 different points... here we go.

         I am currently going through a big time weight loss. My max weight was 260. Ive always been bigger than my sisters even with the same diet and activity level but always was the fat one. My mom had me on slim fast when i was in elementary school, which didnt have a problem with at the time cuz I thought the chocolate ones were fuckin delectable. I came to 6th grade weighing in at 200 and have never been below that weight again until about 2 months ago.

When I was 20 i found out that i have a congenital disease that causes me to be insulin resistant.... so all those skipped meals, cheating on real food with slim fast in my developmental years was just making everything worse.
(Just incase you dont know what im talking about, insulin resistance means your insulin receptors dont work. insulin production can be normal but your body wont know how to use it.
you have an insulin spike every time you eat carbs or sugar, in the case of people who are insulin resistant  that insulin has no where to go and your body thinks it is ALL extra and stores it making sure you gain the weight your body thinks you need.)
Slim fast is low call but  PURE sugar.

When i was around 20 i had come all the way down to 210 from 250. About a year later between the first day in Sept. and the last day in Nov. I swelled back up to 260 lbs even though i was on a 900 calorie diet and worked out twice a day for a total of 4 hours. It seemed like there was nothign I could to and I was fighting an up hill battle. I had gone to the doctors for over 10 years crying about my weight and having every fuckin word that came out of my mouth fall on deaf ears. I was never taken seriously until I yelled at somebody and told them to test me for everything.

Thats when i found out. Unfortunately I was being kicked off my insurance  shortly after.
Since then (and theres so much more to that story but i will save that for later maybe) Ive got my meds in check.  I now weigh 193. I have never been this little in my life and I still have a lot to lose, but at least now all my diet and exercise matter and make a difference.

        Until recently I had a shitty friend... well,  I guess I never had that friend he pretty much just sucked the whole time. He was somebody I thought cared about me and I thought i could trust. He took me to a party where he and the host were the only people i knew and was talking so much shit behind my back that not only did these people confront me about it with empathy they defended me to him, and they didnt even know me. As much as i thought it was super sweet that they were strangers and still stuck up for me, it really hurt my feelings. I found my own way home and then deleted him off facebook and never looked back even though hes been fighting tooth and nail and feeding me half assed apologies. I have no room in my life for his bullshit.


 In light of all of that I thought I would come out and publicly blow my own horn.
Every time I get on a scale its a new weight ive never seen before. Its still way harder for me to lose weight than it is for most people but honestly for any day I dont gain* is an awesome day. Making days that i weigh less the best days ever.

Lately ive been fitting into some of my "inspiration" clothes. A pair of pink jeans and a red dress. I like to fantasize about wearing these things and work for them.

 The red dress in that picture up there is my red inspiration dress. I still have alot more weight to lose before i would want to wear this out in the world but i jsut have to publicly hug myself because fuck my shitty "friend" and because this shit was hard and because I deserve it. Thats why.

High five.