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| [enjoy this shitty photo of me being vain in my sisters room....please excuse the blue shoes] |
This entry requires originates from a little bit of my own personal background info from 2 different points... here we go.
#1.
I am currently going through a big time weight loss. My max weight was 260. Ive always been bigger than my sisters even with the same diet and activity level but always was the fat one. My mom had me on slim fast when i was in elementary school, which didnt have a problem with at the time cuz I thought the chocolate ones were fuckin delectable. I came to 6th grade weighing in at 200 and have never been below that weight again until about 2 months ago.
When I was 20 i found out that i have a congenital disease that causes me to be insulin resistant.... so all those skipped meals, cheating on real food with slim fast in my developmental years was just making everything worse.
(Just incase you dont know what im talking about, insulin resistance means your insulin receptors dont work. insulin production can be normal but your body wont know how to use it.
you have an insulin spike every time you eat carbs or sugar, in the case of people who are insulin resistant that insulin has no where to go and your body thinks it is ALL extra and stores it making sure you gain the weight your body thinks you need.)
Slim fast is low call but PURE sugar.
When i was around 20 i had come all the way down to 210 from 250. About a year later between the first day in Sept. and the last day in Nov. I swelled back up to 260 lbs even though i was on a 900 calorie diet and worked out twice a day for a total of 4 hours. It seemed like there was nothign I could to and I was fighting an up hill battle. I had gone to the doctors for over 10 years crying about my weight and having every fuckin word that came out of my mouth fall on deaf ears. I was never taken seriously until I yelled at somebody and told them to test me for everything.
Thats when i found out. Unfortunately I was being kicked off my insurance shortly after.
Since then (and theres so much more to that story but i will save that for later maybe) Ive got my meds in check. I now weigh 193. I have never been this little in my life and I still have a lot to lose, but at least now all my diet and exercise matter and make a difference.
#2.
Until recently I had a shitty friend... well, I guess I never had that friend he pretty much just sucked the whole time. He was somebody I thought cared about me and I thought i could trust. He took me to a party where he and the host were the only people i knew and was talking so much shit behind my back that not only did these people confront me about it with empathy they defended me to him, and they didnt even know me. As much as i thought it was super sweet that they were strangers and still stuck up for me, it really hurt my feelings. I found my own way home and then deleted him off facebook and never looked back even though hes been fighting tooth and nail and feeding me half assed apologies. I have no room in my life for his bullshit.
............................................................................
In light of all of that I thought I would come out and publicly blow my own horn.
Every time I get on a scale its a new weight ive never seen before. Its still way harder for me to lose weight than it is for most people but honestly for any day I dont gain* is an awesome day. Making days that i weigh less the best days ever.
Lately ive been fitting into some of my "inspiration" clothes. A pair of pink jeans and a red dress. I like to fantasize about wearing these things and work for them.
The red dress in that picture up there is my red inspiration dress. I still have alot more weight to lose before i would want to wear this out in the world but i jsut have to publicly hug myself because fuck my shitty "friend" and because this shit was hard and because I deserve it. Thats why.
High five.
#1.
I am currently going through a big time weight loss. My max weight was 260. Ive always been bigger than my sisters even with the same diet and activity level but always was the fat one. My mom had me on slim fast when i was in elementary school, which didnt have a problem with at the time cuz I thought the chocolate ones were fuckin delectable. I came to 6th grade weighing in at 200 and have never been below that weight again until about 2 months ago.
When I was 20 i found out that i have a congenital disease that causes me to be insulin resistant.... so all those skipped meals, cheating on real food with slim fast in my developmental years was just making everything worse.
(Just incase you dont know what im talking about, insulin resistance means your insulin receptors dont work. insulin production can be normal but your body wont know how to use it.
you have an insulin spike every time you eat carbs or sugar, in the case of people who are insulin resistant that insulin has no where to go and your body thinks it is ALL extra and stores it making sure you gain the weight your body thinks you need.)
Slim fast is low call but PURE sugar.
When i was around 20 i had come all the way down to 210 from 250. About a year later between the first day in Sept. and the last day in Nov. I swelled back up to 260 lbs even though i was on a 900 calorie diet and worked out twice a day for a total of 4 hours. It seemed like there was nothign I could to and I was fighting an up hill battle. I had gone to the doctors for over 10 years crying about my weight and having every fuckin word that came out of my mouth fall on deaf ears. I was never taken seriously until I yelled at somebody and told them to test me for everything.
Thats when i found out. Unfortunately I was being kicked off my insurance shortly after.
Since then (and theres so much more to that story but i will save that for later maybe) Ive got my meds in check. I now weigh 193. I have never been this little in my life and I still have a lot to lose, but at least now all my diet and exercise matter and make a difference.
#2.
Until recently I had a shitty friend... well, I guess I never had that friend he pretty much just sucked the whole time. He was somebody I thought cared about me and I thought i could trust. He took me to a party where he and the host were the only people i knew and was talking so much shit behind my back that not only did these people confront me about it with empathy they defended me to him, and they didnt even know me. As much as i thought it was super sweet that they were strangers and still stuck up for me, it really hurt my feelings. I found my own way home and then deleted him off facebook and never looked back even though hes been fighting tooth and nail and feeding me half assed apologies. I have no room in my life for his bullshit.
............................................................................
In light of all of that I thought I would come out and publicly blow my own horn.
Every time I get on a scale its a new weight ive never seen before. Its still way harder for me to lose weight than it is for most people but honestly for any day I dont gain* is an awesome day. Making days that i weigh less the best days ever.
Lately ive been fitting into some of my "inspiration" clothes. A pair of pink jeans and a red dress. I like to fantasize about wearing these things and work for them.
The red dress in that picture up there is my red inspiration dress. I still have alot more weight to lose before i would want to wear this out in the world but i jsut have to publicly hug myself because fuck my shitty "friend" and because this shit was hard and because I deserve it. Thats why.
High five.
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